Sunday, January 19, 2014

Minor Freak Out...

Anyone who has personally had to deal with ED will probably relate to this post.  Those of you who do not have such a close relationship with the dreaded ED may think I am crazy.  Oh well...

Since last meeting with the reproductive specialist I am seeing, the doctor agreed to move forward with the next treatment if I gained a total of 10 pounds.  Originally she had said I needed to gain 15.  I told her how hard it has been physically and emotionally.  She still wants me at a higher/healthier BMI because the next treatment option is pretty extreme.  Sooo that means I only have another 7 pounds to gain instead of 12.

I have been meeting with the doctor about once every 3-4 weeks for a weigh in.  Just so they have documentation of my progress.  I have been weighing myself at home about once a week.  Now, this is where ED gets really loud!! When the scale and ED get together, it is always disastrous!! If the number goes up, I get upset.  If the number goes down, I get upset.  If the number stays the same, I get upset!! You really can't win with the scale when ED is in your head.  I know to move forward with infertility treatment I need to gain weight. And I want more than anything to move forward with things!! BUT the idea of gaining weight, buying bigger clothes, possibly looking and feeling different freaks me out! Like WOAH! is when the minor freak out takes place...

I was the same weight for 2 weeks in a row.  So this past week I really increased my calorie and fat intake.  Since I only had 7 pounds to gain, I was getting extremely motivated and telling ED to "shut it" when I was eating things normally "not allowed".  I prepared myself mentally before stepping on the scale.  The scale even does that dramatic 3...2...1... and there flashed the same number!! ED seemed happy, but Kim was very discouraged! How could I not have gained anything with how much more I was eating??!!

Then my husband comes up and says the scale always shows him different numbers.  He stepped on the scale 5 times and did get different numbers.  Uh oh! We realized the battery had never been changed and we have had the scale for a while.  So we change the battery and I step on again.  It was 4 pounds higher!!! I stepped on and off about 10 times and it was the same 4 pound higher number! It was like I had instantly gained 4 pounds.  ED was going crazy in my head! I knew I should be happy but I couldn't help freak out.  It was like I instantly felt bigger, my pants felt tighter, and I wanted to skip my next snack.

I even went and got a 15 pound weight to test it.  The scale was accurate.

So now I don't really know what to think?? I have been trying my best to keep eating more.  Even if the higher  number is correct, I still have about 3 pounds to gain.  I know what I need to do and am doing my best to ignore ED and all his craziness.

I go tomorrow to meet with the doctor again and get an official weigh in.  They have one of those super fancy scales so I know it will be accurate.  Hopefully then I can trust the number and do whatever it is I need to in order to move forward with things.  I wish I didn't focus so much on the number.  It is hard now because I need to get to a certain weight so I do need to step on the scale and face the number.

I suppose that's enough rambling for now! Fingers crossed for a "good" number tomorrow.  Ha, whatever that means!! :)

1 comment:

  1. Just keep on pushing forward! That number means nothing to those who love you!